On the way home from playing some basketball, I stopped at a local grocery store. I wanted to grab a Gatorade or water, but they didn't seem to have any cold. I headed to the cold drink session and saw a selection of Odwalla beverages. You know, the really pulpy/smoothie-type drinks loaded with vitamins and sold at a ridiculous markup. Still, I kinda like the Vitamin C one, but it wasn't what I was in the mood for.
Instead I made the mistake of reaching for the monstrosity known as the Super Protein Chocolate. How can anything chocolate milk related be bad? How can you mess up chocolate milk? SERIOUSLY. HOW CAN YOU FUCK UP CHOCOLATE MILK?
The good people at Odwalla can answer that question. They made a drink that I can only imagine is like drinking ones own feces, having never drunk my own feces (or anyone else's, for that matter). If I'd tasted someone's diarreah, I think it would taste like this. Never in my life have I tasted something so awful, so disgusting that I tossed it after one sip. That's how long the Super Protein Chocolate lasted. One sip.
I'm pretty easy going when it comes to products. Make me a bad burger, I'll probably just eat it and grumble silently. Bring me the wrong food at a restaurant and I'll probably feel bad about asking you to fix it, and then I'll leave a big tip because I feel like I've made your job worse.
I will not go silently into the night about the Odwalla Shit In a Bottle. I will not be silenced. I want to warn anyone who might stumble across this post to save their taste buds and avoid this drink like the plague. I want my $3 back and maybe an extra buck for the emotional and physical distress.
Sorry Odwalla, but this is, literally, shit.